Today is ..... I'm a bit emotional. But I started a slow cooking stew and will have some today, it's comforting and only 350 calories per serving.
Anyways..... not in the mood to talk :( just quick overview from yesterday.
Quick recap from yesterday. Calories was 1505, so close!!!! I drank 130 oz of water, so I got that done. six minutes of strength training, today I will do my walking and cardio done. I'm have a little bit of struggle emotionally. My tata is sick :( he's in the hospital in Mexico and my daddy is going from Louisiana down to see him, I live in Arizona, but the Northern part so I can't go :( I love him and I pray he is okay.
Today is ..... I'm a bit emotional. But I started a slow cooking stew and will have some today, it's comforting and only 350 calories per serving.
Anyways..... not in the mood to talk :( just quick overview from yesterday.
Here's the goals for stage 1.
STAGE 1 12/18-12/21 Goal -1
• Drink 100-150 oz of water(100), tea, coffee
• Consume approximately <1500 cal
• 10 minutes of Cardio 2 days per week
• 1 day of walking
• 10 minutes of strength training per week .
I realize they appear small, but it's necessary to get a running start or a jogging start in my case.
Yesterday I consumed 80oz of water, not quite where I wanted to be. I consumed just above 1600 calories, not quite where I want to be. and I have yet to do my cardio. I know my day of walking will be tomorrow. So the other day of cardio must be today. Strength training was rough today as well I only did 3 minutes on my legs and 3 minutes on my arms, this leaves me with 4 minutes for the week. Believe it or not.... those six minutes exhausted me! It's a small goal... like a pre-start. I mean we go to Pre-School why not a prestart? So today I WILL drink my 100 oz of water. Some say, that's a lot of water, but actually per my body mass I should be drinking 175. I'll blog on that at another time.
So not a great start, but not terrible either. I'm pretty exhausted lately, so finding the energy has been difficult.
One Year ago..... a huge tumor was removed from my body, nearly sixteen pounds it was pushing my organs, destroying my ovary, causing pain that I can only explain as SLIGHTLY less than meningitis. Not always, but occasional pain. This surgery cut me open an 8 inch scar lines down my stomach, I survived and it took me a very long time to recover, unfortunately :( I've been gaining weight. Partially due to one of my medications. But I am off those medications.... I've also been unable to control my anxiety and depression. So I've been prescribed medicine to help with that......
I'm amazed that I survived that surgery. I faced a lot of complications and surgeries and my emotions lead to the eventual fall out of a few friendships because I was unable to think rationally or anything.... I've been battling the depression and anxiety on my own for over a year, I finally couldn't handle it :( I feel kind of weak and that sucks. I want to feel strong again. So something has to change.
It's been over a month since my last post..... I've dreaded the scale.... I've avoided it in fact... today I had a doctors appointment and I was really upset.... my last appointment was October 6 and..... I have gained 25 pounds.... yes, I gained TWENTY FIVE POUNDS! I know that a small part of it was one of my medicines. The other part is the no days off. The other part is my anxiety has been owning me pretty much wholly. The other part is my fiance and I have been struggling to connect.... I wanted to break up he fought for me and made me feel like it was worth trying. But nothing is giving me a break.... I FELT the weight gain before I even went to the doctors :(
I have to do an ultrasound some more lab work and go to my primary doctor on Monday. So I have a lot on my plate right now.... I've gotta find a way to fix this.... I am already dealing with all this other stuff... now I'm gaining weight..... I'm MISERABLE.
It's been months since I checked in here. I've considered trying different things.... basically my birthday was both amazing and a complete disaster. I have since then completely lost track of my health...... I don't even want to step on a scale I can FEEL all the weight I have gained.
Today I woke up and just said "I'm so sick of all this crap I'm eating." I had iced tea instead of cream and sugar filled coffee, I had bananas and cantaloupe instead of a pastry. Chicken breast, cucumber, and tomato instead of a burrito. It's a step in the right direction. I definitely need to get back on track.
I work three jobs right now, no days off, so exercise is definitely lacking. My fiance lost his job, but he found a new one only part time, but it's work :) I'm proud of him. I need to find a way to just get back in a rhythm. I applied for admissions to a school to pursue my degree in Medical Laboratory Technology. Financial Aid stuff is taking forever, but I am applying now, early on, for the Spring semester. The goal is to attend the first semester online, then I will need to move to complete the courses.
So focus is going to be on eating better, drinking more water, and cutting out soda and coffee! Week one starts "officially" on Sunday, but giving myself a jump start now.
"Until you've stared down that level of depression, until you've lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness... you don't get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won't help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others."
I've been seeing this quote a lot the last couple days. I've traced it back to a huffington post I believe. Here's my little two sense......
My nickname is Happy. The joke back in the day was "Happy by name, Happy by reputation" I joke about my depression sometimes, saying "I was so dramatic that when my mom was in labor with me I tried to hang myself with the umbilical cord on the way out, so, emergency c section" and people laugh. It's a silly story. I carry myself with confidence and class. I find myself drawn to the most obviously broken and damaged individuals, both as friends and lovers. They have all said the same thing to me in one way or another, but, they feel like if they mess up, they're letting me down. I can't even begin to understand that..... I love those people for the disaster they are.... and selfishly.... I love them for the light they put me in. I don't think anyone really knows me anymore. Even my closest friends don't really know me.... The struggle I've had all these years, honestly for as long as I can remember, I mean preschool ages.... I've fought with this all consuming depression.
My family has seen it, struggled with watching me go through it. Therapy or medicine didn't help when I was 11-12, in fact it made me worse..... suicidal thoughts attempts to end the black hole that was my life. Frances saved my life once, she physically stopped me and I was so angry with her. I cried and I couldn't contain the darkness I felt all around me, but she never gave up on me. Every day I would wake up and paint that "smile" on my face and go be the cheerleader, track athlete, good grades, pretty confident "happy" person I was. Without missing a step, I fought so hard against it, and because of that, many times I won.
I was 13 maybe 14 the first time I tried to commit suicide. Frances saved my life. I HATED her for saving me, I was so angry. I don't remember the entire incident, but she jumped on me and I remember screaming, flailing, trying to get away. Leave me alone! I remember.... that and when I was finally done being angry.... just crying, hard. So hard I made myself sick.
I found a new way to deal with the overwhelming darkness. I found an unhealthy way..... I cut. Only in places you couldn't see. My upper thighs or my upper arms. Those were always covered. I've heard of cutters for attention or cutters to feel "something." Do you know what cutting did for me? It CONTROLLED the darkness, it forced me to regain composure when I didn't think I could. So those times in the shower just thinking about cutting with the flow of traffic and not across...... crying and beginning to black out from the difficulty breathing I would just dig that knife into my thigh, press hard and pull as I let a breath out. Suddenly and almost instantly I was in control again. If it didn't work with one, then two, or three.... four even. But eventually as the blood came I was no longer overwhelmed I was able to set the knife down and life another day. It's the worst way to save my life, but it worked..... for a long time.
I met my first love and things seemed happier..... he still didn't know me or the darkness I felt surrounded by.... in the almost five years we shared he never really knew me. I eventually found a mix of medicines that worked for me.... not quite zombified, more stepford wives, but it allowed me to exist in a world I felt I didn't belong in. My only time being pregnant was with that man, when we lost our baby...... I knew I couldn't handle doing it again, I think I grew to love him, but I was never in love with him and when he wanted to try again, I couldn't bare the thought of trying again and failing, I also couldn't bare the thought of needing a medicine to exist, not to live, just to exist. So that had to come to an end.... I wasn't terribly depressed over that, the loss of my baby lingered with me for a long time, it still does, but the loss of my first love.... barely bruised me.
I threw out the pills that were working so well and opted for a new way of life... a new motto. "Complacency is Toxic" that's exactly how I lived. I refused to be "content" or "complacent" I began drinking, partying with my friends who were all in their 20's too. I met Ann while I was still with my first love. She was dating my cousin and had a baby with him. She was cool I thought. My cousin sold drugs, specifically methamphetamine, but I didn't touch that stuff, I gave him rides, and we were like best friends. He was more of a pothead, I just drank and worked, a lot of both. not even 21 yet. (I had left home at 15).
Everyone in my life was close to me, but I wasn't close to anyone. The first person I let that close saw that darkness in me, saw how it consumed me, and still saw the other side of me that was fighting to get out of the darkness. Sometimes he was in that darkness with me.... oh the places we went on those dark days...... it's the only time the darkness didn't overwhelm me, when he was there. He was my best friend and my partner for many years, not quite a decade, but almost. I think that's why I always forgave him MANY MANY indiscretions because the darkness didn't take me over when he was there, even if he was in the darkness with me. I've talked him off a ledge a time or two as well.....
After five years of being friends with Ann, I finally let her see the other side of me. I never felt judged..... she didn't ease the darkness but, it was good to have her in my life. I loved all three of her kids, they were the ONLY thing in my life that completely rid darkness 95% of the time. I finally had a best friend who KNEW me, in a way that I only let one other person know me. Over the years I was on and off various anti-depression/anti-anxiety meds. Anxiety is a hard one for me too....
Through the years I ended up trying different drugs and enjoying one of those particular drugs. Still believing complacency is toxic I lived a pretty extreme life. Usually a month or two at a time then return to "normalcy" not complacency, but just a non drug life. I love this drug. I never got addicted to it.... or anything really. I just never had an addictive personality, what a trait wasted on me. My first time doing it was with a girl I hardly knew, the one who nicknamed me Happy, I remember the moment saying "oh yeah I do it sometimes" still to this day I'm not sure why I said that. I never try to "fit in." I just felt like she was trying to open up to a stranger and I needed to give her an in. She already felt like I was perfectly unreal always being "Happy" so I said it. that entire summer was an amazing blast and a blur. I learned a lot about myself and one day I realized I needed to leave, so I left. returning to the person who helped me feel less overwhelmed by the darkness.
For years I went back and forth between doing what I want and returning to him..... There was a lot of understanding between us, I think a lot of love too. Too much passion too often. In the end.... no passion and all complacency.
so my nearly decade long love affair came to a pretty bitter end. I felt abandoned and betrayed. I was the one who said "I've had enough, We're done" but he stepped out when I was finding out about some serious health issues. I was alone. In my darkness. Some nights I would sit on the window sill of my 19th store condo and fight the urge to let go. I kept thinking of how many people would have to clean the bloody mess, what if there were children around, I mean no one would really even notice. No one cares. But I'd be punishing people who didn't need it...... it wasn't fair or right to die this way. There had to be a cleaner way. I've tried pills before, that is NOT the way, I hate swallowing pills as it is, I would never swallow enough and I'd just end up sick. Resume the cutting.
I was so lost...... I needed to be guided.... I didn't need to be loved.... I NEEDED someone to control me.... how awful does that sound? So I began dating the first controlling bossy jerk I met. I knew he wasn't the one, but I knew I needed what he had...... or I wouldn't make it through the darkness. I allowed him to walk all over me, mistreat me, even use me..... after three months I was done....I no longer needed this person to tell me when to come to bed, what kind of job to work, how to exist.... I was done with him. Fate intervened. We got into a pretty serious car wreck, my face smashed and spidered the windshield. I felt different..... was this still depression I felt? the wreck happened and I tried to leave and he fought for me to stay. He still kept messing up, but he fought for me.
I felt more overwhelmed by anxiety and anger, taking it out on myself with cutting, as per usual. I began to lose weight, 50 pounds in 4 months following the accident. I went to physical therapy three times a week until I was better, I found my anxiety since the accident has often crippled me. Worse than depression did. Sometimes I remain frozen when driving, every thing gives me tension and anxiety. I can't handle when other people drive. It affected my work. my life. I was rushed to the hospital one day where we discovered a growth that was small just months ago was now starting to take over my body. The jerk that I started dating starting becoming a good guy.... and I began to feel even more helpless, not just anxious again, but the darkness.... the worthlessness..... a few trips to the doctor and a severe facial trauma (completely broke a side of my face, they thought I would need plastic surgery to fix it), and suddenly that darkness that plagued me once was back.... nothing I did got rid of it..... I had the surgery to remove the tumor growing inside me and every month since then has been one issue after another....
If I didn't have that jerk I started dating because I needed a jerk, I never would've went to all these appointments, or had surgery, I feel the darkness every single day and every single day this person fights to bring me out of it, he never joins me in it, not really, he'll come down and hang out in the darkness just long enough to distract me into leaving it.... or so he thinks.
I'm almost 30 years old and for all the life I've lived, the places I've been, the experiences I've had the lives I've touched..... somedays... some weeks..... even months at times.... hold me in and make me feel so utterly helpless and empty and lost and I haven't been able to work steadily since the surgery. Some of it is because of the surgery and the health issues discovered since then, but the darkness gets heavier all the time..... I can't even force myself to get out of bed sometimes. Just this week I spent three days sleeping and was awake for approximately 4 hours in three days. I just didn't want to exist anymore.
In my real life, my friends don't call, they're all busy with their own lives, their own kids, their own lovers, etc..... I feel like I make this man who fought so hard for me and thinks I'm this grand prize I feel like I make him so unhappy with my anxiety and my anger and my unnecessary tears..... I let him see the mess I am, because I'm just not as good at hiding it as I used to be. The reason I moved back here was to be closer to my parents while I healed from surgery and they left along with my uncle and cousin.... so I have no family here either. No one would notice if I was gone..... and I would no longer feel this PHYSICAL ache that keeps me from going outside most days, the mental anxiety that doesn't allow me to think clearly, I wouldn't have to face this deep seeded realization that I am worth nothing.
This is not a cry for help...... I'm just out of ways to deal with this..... and no one even realizes how painful the secret life of a depressed woman is. I LIVE for the moments of true joy..... I hope they win out this darkness that has been dragging me down..... Losing someone to suicide is often referred to as "selfish" and it is, but it isn't. This long blog barely TAPS what I feel and what I've been through. No one knows the journey another person has. Sometimes we can't explain it it just exists. I honestly feel like the only person who would suffer if I died is the person doing clean up.... and my partner now, for all his many flaws and even aggressive tendencies ..... I think he might hurt if I died...... I don't see it as a selfish act..... I see it as a solution to a very deeply personal and painful problem......
REACH OUT to the people you love..... it isn't hard. Except for the people who claimed to love me in my life.... apparently it is.
I had a really nice date night with my fiance last night. We watched Tammy, which is HILARIOUS, you should go see it. I love Melissa McCarthy, beautiful, funny, talented, the whole package! Okay, so we went out to dinner and had "Taco Tuesday" at a local restaurant. It was good. Even though I did go over my calories (for the SECOND time this week already!), I made new choices, like no appetizer at dinner and no popcorn ordering just a medium soda. I know it doesn't seem like a "win" but, it is. Did I go over my calorie goals for the day? Yes. So why is this a win? Well, that part isn't.
I made a few decisions that were outside the realm of a normal splurge. I mean when I would go out I would just get large whatever and appetizers. I tracked the calories and I was honest. I only had two tacos, neither one was fried either! Grilled chicken for one and beef for the other. Light Cheese and refried beans with unsweetened tea for dinner. At the movies we split a soft pretzel with cheese and some jerky. I still went over, but we didn't get candy or popcorn, we knew we didn't really need or want it. We just shared our snacks and watched the movie.
I could lie. I could cheat and not track all my calories. I could say I worked out when I didn't. No one would ever know the truth. I'm the only one suffering. No one's gonna do it for me. No one is going to lose this weight. No one is going to eat that food for me. No one is going to work out for me. This is a challenge and this is a life style change.
I just ate the most delicious stir fry with zucchini and carrots. It was pretty delicious and i made it! go me! I also had a yummy smoothie made with fresh strawberries and ice. Now I'm going to relax for the evening.
I had a rough couple of days and now today I just don't even want to get going. I just had a bowl of cereal and some water melon. I don't know how to get out of this funk I've been in. I need to get up, clean house put a workout in and do this in the next 2-3 hours. How do I do that when honestly I just want to lay in bed today?
A couple days ago, my other half was trying to be polite and accepted our neighbors cupcakes, of which I ate two last night.... I still stayed within calorie range, but still, where is my will power the last 2 days? where is my strength the last two days? I need to kick it into high gear.....
arguing with my other half this weekend was pretty draining too. My doctors appointment happened. No real answers..... good answers and then still uncertainty. Another set of lab work to check my labs from last month make sure the CA125 is still normal among other things. My doctor did, however, notice my weight loss and commented on it, then she checked the chart and said "Oh yeah, look you did lose xxx pounds" I wasn't really listening I was in my own world. My fiance was hugging me and telling me how proud he is of me. I just feel drained lately.
got up and opened the door. Wind blowing, scent of rain, suddenly hard winds came and no thunder, but lightening struck a pole just 3 blocks away and out goes the power! Oh man. We go outside and share a kiss. Our neighbor asks my fiance if we want cupcakes, she made some and her kids didn't want anymore. I say no, but he doesn't want to be rude so he takes them, the temptation is there. Yes, I ate a cupcake..... it was good.
It's 104 degrees and the air is thickening as it begins to rain big hard drops. We take a candlelit shower, nothing too sexy, just figure it'll develop closeness, which it did. We got dressed and after an hour and change we decide to get out of the apartment. All our neighbors have their doors open and the rain only lasted a few minutes. My fiance decides he wants to go out to eat. I give in and say okay. It's hot and humid anyways and no sign of the electric getting back on anytime soon. He wants Buffalo Wild Wings. I give in..... I'm already weak, I had a cupcake, I'm upset my partner wouldn't workout with me.
We sit down and order chips and salsa, appetizer, a drink, and split a wrap.... I went over my calories by quite a bit. I was upset. My goal is 1200-1550 calories I had 2155 calories and no workout. I felt pretty down. I explained to him why and he says "From this day forth I will be better and I will support you more." He wins me TWO toys from the claw crane machine :) bringing a smile to my face. Come home, still no electricity. We make our way to the local superstore. Walking around we buy some potting soil and new seeds and we decide to grow some flowers in our little apartment. We got a couple things for the homestead too and headed home. Now we've got electricity back on! we're pretty happy about that and some of the candle stuff we bought is already giving such a lovely scent throughout our home.
Sin City is on now as I blog and I love this movie. I struggled today, quite a bit, but during our BWW outing I chose to half everything instead of eating the whole thing. I showed restraint and tomorrow is a new day. I didn't expect a rainy day to be so taxing on me and so trying on my struggle. Today was day one of this week and I already slipped up, I didn't fall down and I don't have to start over, I hit a bump and I move forward! finishing my water intake before bed. That's my focus for the week. I will continue tracking my food and work out (Even when I don't do so good), but adding water to my focus.
Tomorrow is my appointment for biopsy results. Hoping for a good one!
All week I stayed within calorie range (except yesterday). I worked out 4 days this week and burned calories and sweat my butt off. I get on the scale today and not even two pounds came off. As big as I am, two pounds should have come RIGHT off.
I know, it's better than nothing. Right? Then why doesn't it feel this way? Why does it feel so frustrating? I know the physical part was definitely in tact, so where did I go wrong? How can I improve?
I guess it's time to evaluate my Sparkpeople information. It's time to go over my workouts and go over my foods. How can I fix this?
Okay, I just looked at my calorie tracker for the week and I realize I was only tracking calories for 4 days. So I guess it's not horrible. It is still a loss. I just wanted more. I feel disappointed, but proud at the same time. does that make sense?
I just have to keep this in mind. I'm certainly using the support I can get. I am also tired and grumpy today. Been waking up at between 2 a.m. and 2:45 a.m. and going to bed relatively early. Last night was Independence day and we watched fireworks from our porch. We had the most perfect unobstructed view :) and my fiance invited a couple of his buddies over. I made them a pretty healthy dinner 450-500 calories for the entire dinner.
I was pretty happy about that
My fiance grilled some chicken breast, I made some stir fried potatoes (then oven baked them for a little extra crisp), I made a version of "potato salad" with cauliflower instead :) along with fresh pico de gallo. Those three guys were so loud and chatting the whole night, except when they were eating, the only thing they kept saying was how good it is! I am both disappointed and proud of my achievements these last four days. I don't officially weigh in until tomorrow, so maybe by then it will be 2 pounds!